"Ancilla" presents a unique blend of magical elements with themes of sexuality and identity. What inspired you to intertwine these themes within the narrative, and how do you believe they complement each other in the development of the story?

 

"Unique" - I suppose that's one word for it. "Bonkers" might be another good word for it. 

 

When I started the rough draft in 2013, I had a much less ambitious agenda: make E L James eat my dust. Back then, you will recall, the Fifty Shades series was at the height of its popularity. I take the Fifty Shades stuff as a personal insult. It badly misrepresents BDSM. The main character's love interest, Christian Grey, is portrayed not as hard-wired with a somewhat unusual sexual orientation, but as someone who was warped into being a sadist by his abusive childhood. Well, we know that's not how things work... The book also relies heavily on romanticized rape and domestic abuse, which does both BDSM and romance, in general, a disservice, and the sex scenes that involve BDSM would, if used as a how-to guide, put people in the emergency room seeking treatment for ripped tendons, pulverized genitals, and other injuries. In short, it's a mess. Then there's the prose. A troop of drunken baboons randomly banging away on broken Smith-Corona typewriters would produce better writing. And yet Fifty Shades of Absolute Drek became a bestselling series, apparently because it was something called "mommy porn" and women had no erotica to read until that time that catered to their fantasies of submission and surrender? 

 

Oh, no, that just wouldn't do. 

 

So I decided to write a book. 

 

When I was outlining the plot, the first book of the trilogy featured a romantic relationship between my 21-year-old protagonist and an older man who she approaches because she is attracted both to his kink and to his studying magic, and she wants to learn from him. I'm not entirely sure where I came up with the idea for combining the study of sex with the study of magic. It just popped into my head when I was outlining, rather the way the way the mentor figure's profession (librarian in a public library) did. I think I was being guided by my intuition. 

 

The plot itself is very, very structured - I started out by deciding that I was going to use Campbell's monomyth as a plot arc, and C S Lewis' concept of the Four Loves as one of the structural devices. the first book in the trilogy, Ancilla, explores Eros (romantic love), Soror Mystica, which I'm starting to outline now, will explore Philia (friendship), and the third book, Adept, will explore Storge (familial love). All three look at Agape (unconditional love), and since I am after all writing erotica, they make liberal use of what Lewis called "Venus" (lust and desire). To add even more structure, I decided that the first book would theme its chapters on the Kabbalah (as interpreted by the Hermetic Order of the Golden Dawn and by Aleister Crowley's Thelemic approach, not by the original medieval Jewish mysticism), the second book would have chapters themed by alchemical processes, and the third would have its chapters themed by the bardos of the Tibetan Book of the Dead. Initially, it started as a conceit - I thought it would be interesting to try to stick to themes, and I was hoping they would give me ideas for sex scenes because there are only so many ways you can write about sex, even kinky sex. 

 

Once I threw myself into the writing, though, the esotericism asserted itself as more than just a structural device. Writing became an act of meditation.

 

My original intent to simply write something better than what E L James had written - and let's face it, that's a very low bar to clear - was still there, but my writing project was now more than just that. 

The evolving relationship between the shy librarian and the young scholar is central to "Ancilla." Could you share more about your process in crafting their dynamic, especially considering the elements of magical and sexual arts? What challenges did you face in depicting their relationship, and how did you seek to overcome them?

 

I set out to wreck stereotypes when I created their characters. Billionaire playboy dom with stereotypical alpha male tendencies? Forget that. It's overdone. The majority of bodice-rippers make use of alpha male love interests, about half of whom are noble, filthy rich, or filthy rich nobles. The trope is popular, but it's been done to death. How about a quiet, non-aggressive, painfully shy guy who is more brains than brawn, and whose dominant tendencies don't come out until he warms up to somebody and feels safe letting his guard down? Forget stereotypes of toxic masculinity, I see no reason to romanticize them. Let's have a guy who is unquestionably male, and masculine, but not stereotypically so - someone who reads for fun, cooks and bakes as a hobby, loves opera and classical music in general, and whose feelings show when you coax him out of his shell. There's a lot of romanticized abuse and rape in old-school romance novels, and of course, there's the romanticized abuse and rape found in the Fifty Shades books, whose author dares to call the abuse BDSM and to say she researched BDSM to write her books (what rubbish). No, I don't want to go there. How about making a point of featuring enthusiastic, informed consent, and how about a dominant who is so wholesome that he almost gleams? He encourages my protagonist, rather than taking her life over and controlling her; he's definitely in control once play starts, but that doesn't bleed over into other aspects of his relationship with my protagonist. And he makes sure he gets permission before he takes control.

 

My protagonist borrows a very few things from me (we're both redheads; we're both bisexual; we were both disowned for refusing conversion therapy; we're both BDSM switches, leaning more toward top than bottom; we're both flaming nerds; we were both raised in a conservative part of the Midwest; we're both Generation X) but there the similarities end. I did write the novel in the first person, because writing erotica is for me a lot like writing love letters, and my love letters are always written in the first person. However, I wanted her to be someone different from me - I didn't just want to create an author avatar, which I see as lazy. My protagonist is better at managing money than I am, but much worse at examining her motives for doing things. She's stubborn to the point of pigheadedness - I'd like to think I'm not quite that bad - and she's more extreme than I am about, well, practically everything. It makes for a better story. 

 

Speaking of wrecking stereotypes, I think I managed to demolish the "pencil-necked geek" nerd stereotype with this. My characters may be nerds, but let's just say they don't belong on The Big Bang Theory.

 

For that matter, they're also vampires, which my narrative hints at without saying so out loud, but they're not the sort of vampires most readers are going to expect. They're not immortal, nor are they even supernatural. They don't have fangs. They don't have superpowers. They can't "change" anybody. And no, they don't sparkle in the sunlight (Stephenie Meyer did some atypical things with her vampires, too, but I don't go there). They just have a hunger that they need to sate, which they do by feeding on life force, breath, and sometimes, blood. Their vampirism gives them some subtle mind-reading abilities and a natural talent for working magic, but it's nothing dramatic.

 

The greatest challenge I had when portraying the love my protagonist and her mentor have for each other, aside from staying within my self-imposed rule of never using proper names for ANY character, and seldom using place names, was that my protagonist's mentor is twenty years older than she is, and age gap relationships these days are taboo. I needed to make it clear that "Magister" was not a sexual predator, despite being significantly older than my protagonist, "Ancilla," and being mostly the dominant one in bed. My protagonist is the one who makes the first move at the start of the story. Also the second and third moves. Hopefully, I also made it clear that she was not looking for an older man, and he was not looking for a younger woman - they just happened to be far apart in age when they met.

 

One of my beta readers, who also does some free-lance editing and literary criticism, said that while my book's lack of a "happily ever after" means it doesn't qualify as a romance novel, "Magister" and "Ancilla" nevertheless had more obvious and genuine love for each other than many characters from traditional romances, and that love, which builds over time, is so strong that it practically jumps off the pages.

 

Basically, I've written a vampire story for people who hate vampire stories and a romance for people who are less than enthusiastic about the romance genre.

 

(Writing characters without ever giving them names except for nicknames or titles that were based on the character's role, and subject to change, was a challenge unto itself, but I think I managed).

Magic is not just a fantastical element in your book but also a metaphor for exploration and discovery. How did you conceptualize the use of magic in aiding the personal growth and self-discovery of your characters? Were there specific influences or theories that guided you in this integration?

 

Magic in Ancilla exists as a path to enlightenment - my characters study magic to explore their souls and acquire wisdom. It's used for growth, self-empowerment, and self-transformation. I believe that every person has a path to walk, and a duty to find that path. The study of magic is one way this can be accomplished. 

 

My characters also use magic to connect and share their souls. It's a profound sort of intimacy. 

 

I've studied various Western esoteric philosophies, and my plot was crafted with an eye to hermeticism, but in keeping with my decision to avoid using proper names, I did my best to not name any specific esoteric paths or traditions when writing Ancilla. An astute reader will, however, pick up on the fact that "Magister's" path is Thelema, also that he has followed the teachings of the Hermetic Order of the Golden Dawn.

 

Ancilla also subtly makes use of elemental magic. "Ancilla" has an affinity for Fire, and "Magister" for Air, which affects their personalities, their approaches to academic and practical study, and their lovemaking.

In creating "Ancilla," how have your own life experiences or personal philosophies influenced the themes, characters, or story arcs? Are there aspects of the book that hold particular personal significance to you?

 

I cut up some of my memories into patchwork pieces (I went to private schools and colleges, I was disowned for refusing to undergo "conversion therapy" for my bisexuality, I met my first girlfriend in my college sorority, I have dated a couple of older men, I lived in the parts of Ohio where all the action takes place, in the 80's and 90's, which is when the action takes place), stitched them onto a canvas, then started embroidering like mad until I had a pretty plot and characters.

 

There are not many books with bisexual main characters, and the few books with bisexual protagonists make those protagonists fit negative stereotypes. "Can't decide between men and women." "Promiscuous and self-destructive." "Hot mess." My protagonist's trauma is a major part of her character arc, and she is not entirely successful at coming to terms with it. She starts her story with a broken heart; the book ends with her heart still broken, although she is getting better at picking up the pieces. However, she is not a "hot mess." No, she doesn't choose between men and women, but why should anybody "choose?" That's not how bisexuality works.